yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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