i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
