Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
