Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
