So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
