you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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