We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
