youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
