so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize