My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
