really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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