He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
