Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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