the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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