got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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