weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
