life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He's a Shit stain on my heart
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
