is your mom at the bar?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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