Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
