I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
