Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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