P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
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