my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize