ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
