I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
