I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
