I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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