I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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