I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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