hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
