I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize