1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
