it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
