I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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