Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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