She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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