I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
