Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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