i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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