he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize