69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
