Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
