I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
