you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
