apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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