dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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