I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I cut my penus on the lid.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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