rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
