you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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