My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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