Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
