Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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