YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
