I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
