and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
