508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
