she smelled like a LAN party
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There's always time for handjobs
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
