I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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