I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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