he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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