This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
