Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
