you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
